Eye See

My high school, like most, had a newspaper.  ‘The Russet.’  Yes, I’m from a small farming community in Idaho and our paper, like our school mascot, was (and is) a potato; ‘The Russet.’  I could go on, and on about this, but that is for another blog, another day.

It was always fun when a new copy of the paper was published and circulated through the school because learning went out the window and we all just read the paper.  I remember looking through the paper somewhat quickly at first to see if my name was mentioned anywhere.  I was on the drill team so anything involving the team usually included our names.  After enjoying that moment of fame, or perhaps not enjoying any fame at all, I would read the paper cover to cover. 

Our paper had a special section call “Eye Sees.”  There was a box in the library where anyone could fill out small slips of paper about what was “seen” at school.  I don’t recall anyone ever coming right out and saying, “I saw Jack kiss Jill.”  We were much more subtle, instead it would read, “I saw J kiss J.”  The Eye Sees began slow at the beginning of school with just a few to be read, but by the end of the year the paper was full of them.  To this day, I recall only one “eye see” and it said, “Eye see DC is wasting her time.”  DC, that’s me.   I recall there was a boy, but which boy, that I don’t recall.  Time wasted, doubtful.  I was young and full of hopes and dreams, and dreaming I assure you is no waste of time.

The times they have a changed, as I guess they always will.  I remember high school fondly and as a simpler time. I recall a teacher at school saying how she enjoyed the newspaper but she wished the Eye Sees were nicer.  Now with all the social media the Eyes Sees are likely a thing of the past.  Not only can you see what you saw, but you can blog it, snap it, face it, insta it, tweet it and I’m sure the list goes on.  Everyone can see what you saw.  The mystery of “DC” is wasting her time is gone.

Back when my wise teacher wished for nicer things, as do I!  Be kind my friends.  What’s say we all get together, put our devices down and talk about what we’ve seen.

Live

Every year when my kids were little I would not allow them to wear their Halloween costumes until Halloween.  Once Halloween was over I would stash their costumes away for safe keeping so they would not get ruined.  I keep the nice dishes safe and sound in the cabinets.  No one can use them and no one can see them.  Some of the cutest baby outfits my children received were never worn and some blankets not used so they would not be ruined.

Today has been a challenging day.  The kind of day that makes you think about your life, the good  and the bad.  Today has reminded me of the frequent times I’ve thought about my need to keep things safe and sound.  Protected if you will.

I’ve had some experiences in life that I think leave me feeling like I need to be protective of things.  I’ve seen some of my greatest fears come to fruition and I’ve lived through all of them.  I’ve conquered some of them even.  I mean honestly, what would I do with a Halloween costume worn by a 5 year old that I kept safe and protected?  Yes, give it to another 5 year old, I understand that but, my 5 year old should have worn that costume to threads had he so desired.  So what is this need to protect?

I’m reminded of the men and women that lived through the depression and how it effected their lives.  I also recall a story from a friend who became quite upset when one of her children was using a can of vegetables for something other than eating and otherwise destroyed it and made the food inside uneatable.  She recalled having no money for food and how his misuse of the vegetables was unacceptable to her.

I suppose that is what life is–experiences.  How we are effected by them and react to them.  We all have them, they are all different and we are all effected differently.  My experiences have taught me to protect, even the 5 year olds Halloween costume.

I try to be a better me everyday.  While I don’t like to acknowledge my weaknesses I still work on them.  While it may not seem like it to some, I an getting braver and stronger. One thing is for sure if I had that 5 year old little boy and his Halloween costume, he could wear it all he wanted, anytime and anywhere!  Life is short, remember to enjoy it, enjoy the people and things in it.  Eat everyday dinner on the nice china (in Halloween costumes) for heaven’s sake!

I've been struggling to find myself as of late.  I've said I need an exorcism of sorts.  Something to take all of the negative and confusing feelings and thoughts out of my head.  I've been struggling with what I "deserve" and being "strong."   While I've always felt in the past these were compliments, as of late I'm feeling more like its a curse.

I've always struggled with someone saying I "deserve" certain things.  What led them to that conclusion?  How do they know behind the scenes what I do?  What makes me more or less deserving than someone else?  As a single mom I've learned that just being a single mom means you deserve quite a lot.  Not that I disagree with that, not necessarily for myself per say, it is a tough job, but does it make me deserving?

And strong.  I was feeling particularly strong recently.  I was going to demand the respect I deserved.  Yeah, that blew up in my face.  I even looked up the meaning of strength in the dictionary, it means: the quality or state of being physically strong; the ability to resist being moved or broken by a force;

the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way.  As I read that I think, yes I want to be that. But maybe I've got it wrong.  It doesn't seem to be working out for me the way I think it should. 

Random thoughts...

It seems I'm only good at blogging when my mood is poor.

Love is everything or nothing at all....

I can't figure out what makes me happy or what I want out of life but I'm supposed to figure out how to keep others happy?  :/

EW!

I have a skin tag.  Gross right?  I know.  But truth is I never think of it much until it shows itself.  And even then I think its no big deal, its skin, why do I care about this small imperfection on my body?  But I do feel differently since someone pointed it out, and since that time, they continue to point it out.  Now I feel compelled to get rid of it.  Obviously if someone else can see it and point it out (and remind me that its there) everyone can.  I don’t want everyone to see my flaw.

We are we as humans, all of us, everyone.  Why are we all so concerned with others seeing our flaws.  Why are we not more accepting of each other?  My lack of perfection, my struggle to be better makes me who I am.  I want, I think like everyone else, to be loved and accepted with all of my imperfections and struggles.  On this, my life’s journey, I accept you flaws and all, even if you too have a skin tag. 

Focus

Lately, I’ve been feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  We all know that old adage right?  Problem is, I like being square.  I don’t necessarily want to fit into a round hole.  But, life’s like that and its teaching me that things might not always be about me and what I want.  In fact usually that’s the case.  Sometimes you have to be a conformist if you will.  The last few days I’ve been repeatedly saying to myself; “talk less and listen more.”  For an even longer time I’ve thought to myself “what have you done for someone else today?”  Things seem to get muddled so easily in my brain, when that happens, and it happens often, I become frustrated.  Once frustrated I seek out happiness, contentment and a how do I avoid ever feeling this way again–type of mood  It’s a cycle, not one I’m necessarily proud of.  I guess my point here (I’m taking the long way to make it) is that maybe listening and giving is the answer.  I believe if you focus on others, helping, listening to, just being a friend, whatever the case may be, and take the focus off of yourself and your own “issues” all in all you’ll feel better.  Likely actually BE better!  On that note, I do hope I’ve listened more and done something for someone other than myself today.  The days not over I still have time!

Forgetful

I keep forgetting its okay to need.
I keep forgetting its okay to want.
I keep forgetting its okay to dream.

Its all lost on me, the wanting and needing and especially the dreaming. 
Desire is there burning in my chest, a fire in my mind.
The flame is lit now its up to me to make it blaze.