I've been struggling to find myself as of late.  I've said I need an exorcism of sorts.  Something to take all of the negative and confusing feelings and thoughts out of my head.  I've been struggling with what I "deserve" and being "strong."   While I've always felt in the past these were compliments, as of late I'm feeling more like its a curse.

I've always struggled with someone saying I "deserve" certain things.  What led them to that conclusion?  How do they know behind the scenes what I do?  What makes me more or less deserving than someone else?  As a single mom I've learned that just being a single mom means you deserve quite a lot.  Not that I disagree with that, not necessarily for myself per say, it is a tough job, but does it make me deserving?

And strong.  I was feeling particularly strong recently.  I was going to demand the respect I deserved.  Yeah, that blew up in my face.  I even looked up the meaning of strength in the dictionary, it means: the quality or state of being physically strong; the ability to resist being moved or broken by a force;

the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way.  As I read that I think, yes I want to be that. But maybe I've got it wrong.  It doesn't seem to be working out for me the way I think it should.