I've been struggling to find myself as of late.  I've said I need an exorcism of sorts.  Something to take all of the negative and confusing feelings and thoughts out of my head.  I've been struggling with what I "deserve" and being "strong."   While I've always felt in the past these were compliments, as of late I'm feeling more like its a curse.

I've always struggled with someone saying I "deserve" certain things.  What led them to that conclusion?  How do they know behind the scenes what I do?  What makes me more or less deserving than someone else?  As a single mom I've learned that just being a single mom means you deserve quite a lot.  Not that I disagree with that, not necessarily for myself per say, it is a tough job, but does it make me deserving?

And strong.  I was feeling particularly strong recently.  I was going to demand the respect I deserved.  Yeah, that blew up in my face.  I even looked up the meaning of strength in the dictionary, it means: the quality or state of being physically strong; the ability to resist being moved or broken by a force;

the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way.  As I read that I think, yes I want to be that. But maybe I've got it wrong.  It doesn't seem to be working out for me the way I think it should. 

Random thoughts...

It seems I'm only good at blogging when my mood is poor.

Love is everything or nothing at all....

I can't figure out what makes me happy or what I want out of life but I'm supposed to figure out how to keep others happy?  :/

EW!

I have a skin tag.  Gross right?  I know.  But truth is I never think of it much until it shows itself.  And even then I think its no big deal, its skin, why do I care about this small imperfection on my body?  But I do feel differently since someone pointed it out, and since that time, they continue to point it out.  Now I feel compelled to get rid of it.  Obviously if someone else can see it and point it out (and remind me that its there) everyone can.  I don’t want everyone to see my flaw.

We are we as humans, all of us, everyone.  Why are we all so concerned with others seeing our flaws.  Why are we not more accepting of each other?  My lack of perfection, my struggle to be better makes me who I am.  I want, I think like everyone else, to be loved and accepted with all of my imperfections and struggles.  On this, my life’s journey, I accept you flaws and all, even if you too have a skin tag. 

Focus

Lately, I’ve been feeling like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  We all know that old adage right?  Problem is, I like being square.  I don’t necessarily want to fit into a round hole.  But, life’s like that and its teaching me that things might not always be about me and what I want.  In fact usually that’s the case.  Sometimes you have to be a conformist if you will.  The last few days I’ve been repeatedly saying to myself; “talk less and listen more.”  For an even longer time I’ve thought to myself “what have you done for someone else today?”  Things seem to get muddled so easily in my brain, when that happens, and it happens often, I become frustrated.  Once frustrated I seek out happiness, contentment and a how do I avoid ever feeling this way again–type of mood  It’s a cycle, not one I’m necessarily proud of.  I guess my point here (I’m taking the long way to make it) is that maybe listening and giving is the answer.  I believe if you focus on others, helping, listening to, just being a friend, whatever the case may be, and take the focus off of yourself and your own “issues” all in all you’ll feel better.  Likely actually BE better!  On that note, I do hope I’ve listened more and done something for someone other than myself today.  The days not over I still have time!

Forgetful

I keep forgetting its okay to need.
I keep forgetting its okay to want.
I keep forgetting its okay to dream.

Its all lost on me, the wanting and needing and especially the dreaming. 
Desire is there burning in my chest, a fire in my mind.
The flame is lit now its up to me to make it blaze.